Infertility; my words.

*This is not intended for the tender heart, this is real emotion being laid out and vulgar. If this is not what you want to read, don’t read it. If you think it’s too vulgar, turn your eyes. This is mine. These are my feelings and thoughts. Mine alone. In my words.

Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking that I am unable to give a child life. This is reversible it’s just very expensive to reverse it. It is possible to have a child but how many times is someone supposed to keep failing and then hearing how much you suck at being a woman? HOW DARE YOU think it’s okay to belittle a woman because she is struggling to do why God intended woman to do. How dare you make her believe she is worth nothing because of her failure of becoming a mother. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU make yourself seem like the higher power when you look as weak as she feels for letting those thoughts enter your brain and allowing the words to spill out of your mouth!

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It’s day 28; its been day 28 for 5 days now… I tested, I tested negative. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why was it so easy 6 years ago and now when I am in the right place, stable, the right man and even married is it now impossible for me to even conceive?! It’s day 28 for 5 days now… I’m not bleeding as I stare at a negative pregnancy test… On repeat is, “what am I doing wrong?”.

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While its circling though my brain what I need to change, what I should or shouldn’t be doing and why what I am trying just isn’t work, I then have to hear you add the insecurities of my own reality that’s been destroying my beliefs making it feel like I’m doomed… That’s not okay. You don’t have the right to tell me that I’m broken, that I am not a woman and that real woman get pregnant… Does a “real woman” choose drugs over her children? Didn’t think so.

I get that your jealousy and envy is overpowering your brain, but you’re not just ruining me, you’re ruining my belief in God. Its times like this that I tell those around me, “I believe in a higher power, but I do not believe it was one entity.” I will tell you that I am atheist, but its not because I just plainly don’t “believe”. Its because I don’t know what to believe in… There are way to many different religions and each have their own story and ways of living. I’m content praying and trying, but I am able to do that anywhere. Not in a “sanctuary” which isn’t really that sacred to begin with. Disregard me all you want but there is not a single person in this world who hasn’t questioned it all.

94050ca54c619d60b9146843e3343708Again, what am I doing wrong? What have I done wrong? Was it birth control? Is it my karma? If so, what the fuck did I do so wrong to deserve THIS? Am I just not trying hard enough? Am I trying too much? If I’m trying too much, why can I not even get a period? I feel like I’m a 15 year old who still hasn’t gotten their period while all her girl friends have and complain about it… Makes you feel less of a woman. I can through those words on repeat and you will still never know what I mean until you’re wanting some sort of validation that you’re not as broken as everyone else claims you to be.

So tell me, what hurts your soul the most besides a death? What are your dreams that seem to be what everyone else can have, except you? How do you help yourself from falling off the edge? 2e86eb1486a9aee6cc8e23b13fda4de5

9 thoughts on “Infertility; my words.

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  1. I went through so much of the same things you are. I’d go months without a period, like 8 months at a time. We were trying so hard but you can’t time anything when you don’t know when the right time is. I know how hard it is to look at me and think that it was a struggle, because I’m pregnant and you aren’t. I felt the same way towards anyone who would announce their happiness for the longest time and I would secretly jugde them. “How could you possibly be chosen to be a mother over me? You never wanted kids and can’t take care of yourself” was a thought I had running through my head every time someone younger than me announced their pregnancy. Then it finally happened. We got 2 pink lines. Oh my God was I ecstatic! Until that first ultrasound at 6 weeks they told me something was wrong. Told me to be cautiously optimistic, this sort of thing usually doesn’t end well. 2 weeks later the beautiful little flicker that was on the screen was born longer there. No fetal cardiac activity. That broke me. For months I hated myself for not being able to do the one thing women are all supposed to be able to do. I blamed myself. I killed my baby. Even though everyone assured me there was nothing I couldve done I was convinced it was all my fault. After that I had decided that I wanted a break. No more trying to conceive because I’d just screw it all up again and I couldn’t go through any of that again. It was to the point where my husband and I took a sexual hiatus. About 5 weeks long. I was afraid I’d mess it up again. I got my 2 pink lines again about a month after that. Tested because I was late after having regulated somewhat after the loss. Was so scared I couldn’t tell my husband. He didn’t find out until I had to be medicated. Turns out I had imbalanced hormones. I was scared as hell the first 12 weeks. I’d religiously check every time I used the bathroom, am I bleeding, when will the end come for this pregnancy. But now I’m just counting down the days until she’s here. The whole point of this story isn’t for pity, or to make you jealous, it’s to give hope. You WILL get pregnant, you WILL have another child, it’ll just come when you least expect it. There are so many women with similar struggles, as I’m sure you know. Keep your head up, pamper yourself and don’t give up. We’re all rooting for you

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    1. Thank you! I’m not jealous but proud of you. I’m happy for you and pray for the absolute best! I know that all the hard work you put in finally paid off! The words you wrote mean a lot to me and do give me hope! I am trying a whole new diet and life style change and praying for the best!

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  2. Devin, don’t blame yourself for what’s happening to you. There are so many reasons why a person can’t get pregnant. I know I told you about my daughter, Erin. She had many of the same thoughts you’re having. I know it’s hard Otto feel very bad and think negative thoughts about your situation, but that won’t help. I know Erin got sink of faking that she was ok, when she was far from it so I know how frustrating that can be. I was with my daughter for 3 of her dr. visits when she was told there was no longer a heartbeat. The anguish that Erin voiced was something I never want to hear again. She too blamed herself. However, after 6 miscarriages, her sister became her surrogate and out came our little miracle grandson. Then, she got pregnant and miraculously carried the baby to almost 9months,but not without problems. But after all was said and done another miracle boy was born. I tell you all of this because even though you’ve had a terrible time getting pregnant, it doesn’t mean you never will. I know that once Erin stopped being so anxious about becoming pregnant, it happened for in the blink of an eye. So do t give up hope and even though I know it’s easier said than done, try to relax about all of it. Maybe what you need is a week away with just your husband.

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    1. I wish it was as easy as having time away with him but it’s me. I can’t get a period which makes not able to ovulate. I wish it were that easy. Thank you so much for the kind and inspiring words 💜

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  3. I am so sorry my dear reading this made me cry but don’t lose hope dear it is times like this that we need to draw closer than ever to our creator .
    P.s i hope you don’t mind me sharing my favorite go scripture for comfort at 2 corinthians 1:3,4 it says in part God comforts us in our time of need , so I pray the God of comfort who comforts us in our time of need will comfort you and you are not doing anything wrong at all dear.

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  4. I don’t think you did anything to deserve this. Life is not fair. Life just plain sucks sometimes and this is a Big Suck. I hope things will turn around for you. In the meantime continue to vent, swear, whatever to relieve the pressure!!

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