*This is not intended for the tender heart, this is real emotion being laid out and vulgar. If this is not what you want to read, don’t read it. If you think it’s too vulgar, turn your eyes. This is mine. These are my feelings and thoughts. Mine alone. In my words.
Fuck you. Fuck you for thinking that I am unable to give a child life. This is reversible it’s just very expensive to reverse it. It is possible to have a child but how many times is someone supposed to keep failing and then hearing how much you suck at being a woman? HOW DARE YOU think it’s okay to belittle a woman because she is struggling to do why God intended woman to do. How dare you make her believe she is worth nothing because of her failure of becoming a mother. HOW FUCKING DARE YOU make yourself seem like the higher power when you look as weak as she feels for letting those thoughts enter your brain and allowing the words to spill out of your mouth!
It’s day 28; its been day 28 for 5 days now… I tested, I tested negative. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?! Why was it so easy 6 years ago and now when I am in the right place, stable, the right man and even married is it now impossible for me to even conceive?! It’s day 28 for 5 days now… I’m not bleeding as I stare at a negative pregnancy test… On repeat is, “what am I doing wrong?”.
While its circling though my brain what I need to change, what I should or shouldn’t be doing and why what I am trying just isn’t work, I then have to hear you add the insecurities of my own reality that’s been destroying my beliefs making it feel like I’m doomed… That’s not okay. You don’t have the right to tell me that I’m broken, that I am not a woman and that real woman get pregnant… Does a “real woman” choose drugs over her children? Didn’t think so.
I get that your jealousy and envy is overpowering your brain, but you’re not just ruining me, you’re ruining my belief in God. Its times like this that I tell those around me, “I believe in a higher power, but I do not believe it was one entity.” I will tell you that I am atheist, but its not because I just plainly don’t “believe”. Its because I don’t know what to believe in… There are way to many different religions and each have their own story and ways of living. I’m content praying and trying, but I am able to do that anywhere. Not in a “sanctuary” which isn’t really that sacred to begin with. Disregard me all you want but there is not a single person in this world who hasn’t questioned it all.
Again, what am I doing wrong? What have I done wrong? Was it birth control? Is it my karma? If so, what the fuck did I do so wrong to deserve THIS? Am I just not trying hard enough? Am I trying too much? If I’m trying too much, why can I not even get a period? I feel like I’m a 15 year old who still hasn’t gotten their period while all her girl friends have and complain about it… Makes you feel less of a woman. I can through those words on repeat and you will still never know what I mean until you’re wanting some sort of validation that you’re not as broken as everyone else claims you to be.
So tell me, what hurts your soul the most besides a death? What are your dreams that seem to be what everyone else can have, except you? How do you help yourself from falling off the edge?