A Chaotic Mind
One day may feel like the most bright and exciting day of your life. Full of joy, praises and an endless amount of good karma. Others, are endless amounts of bad karma.
Lately, things have been chaotic to say the least. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. An endless rollercoaster that I’m running on instead of riding in a cart. Struggling to climb up the ramps, holding on as tight as possible to the upside-down turns and falling helplessly down the hills. Worst part is, you have no idea who is running the ride and nothing I can do about it.
Scenario; Car gets locked up randomly for missing a car payment, while you’re already late for work and you just locked the house up and don’t have the house keys on your car key ring. Its 90+* outside and no one can come to you for hours. Your phone got turned off for not being able to make a payment because you got a levy on your bank account. Your Wi-Fi doesn’t reach in the front yard causing you to have to somehow get over your gated fence cause there’s a lock on the gate just to be able to get to the Wi-Fi that’s locked up inside your house to call for help. To add to the chaos, the levy caused your rent check to bounce, here comes an eviction notice… Yeah, then multiply that with more BS.
That’s enough to cause stress, anxiety and depression… What if you have all of that plus a hormonal disorder to add on to the mental distress? What do you do? Who do you turn to when the stress and anxiety turns into a depressive state… When you know everyone’s here for you, everyone’s listening and giving you opinions and options, but it’s you that’s not listening…
The other day things fell into a dark hole for me. The worst part is, I didn’t even know it was happening until it was about to be too late. No, this isn’t my scream for help, I have an amazing support system. Although, it’s the truth. The stress turned into arguments, the arguments turned I annoyance and hatred and the hatred turned into self-destruction. Before I knew it, I caught myself staring at two bottles of Metformin and wondering if it would drop my blood sugar so low that I would fall asleep… But then my youngest son knocked on the bathroom door saying, “mommy, you ohtay”. I opened the door to all my children looking at me with big grins as if they knew mommy was not okay and need to make me smile. “I blinked my eyes as a tear fell down my check and opened my arms. They all sat with me on the kitchen floor and just held me. I looked at my husband and said, “I need help, I’m not okay.” He knew I wasn’t okay, not only because of how we had been but because he wasn’t okay either.
Although, what I really want to talk about is the mental distress that PCOS gives you. One thing that I didn’t even know was a symptom of PCOS. Now of course you get depressed when you get the stab of a negative pregnancy test every 30 days but the sounds of others becoming pregnant without even trying or seeing the happiness in others when they announce that after so long, they finally are welcoming a new life into theirs. You try so hard to show that you really are happy for them. What if its not all about them welcoming in babies?
I can honestly say that within the last month, my emotions had nothing to do with not being able to conceive as fast as I’d like to. I was feeling and thinking things I had never felt before. I was an emotionally tense rollercoaster that turned dramatically into an empty shell with no desires to do a damn thing. It’s like my humanity blew a fuse. I wasn’t screaming for help, I didn’t even know I needed help.
Your hormones effect everything about you. From the skin on your outer shell to the nervous system keeping you up right and the heart and brain that’s keeping you alive. Every piece is connected and its up to you to keep yourself healthy. Consuming the right foods, getting the proper exercise, and not consuming chemically induced products that are not naturally made as is. Although, what on earth are you supposed to do when you’re doing those things but your body still freaking fights you? I am still currently looking into therapy but in the meantime, I have taken on Maca Root. A good friend of mine had told me about it for infertility but little did I know, it seriously helps me with my emotions and it makes me feel happy. Now it may not help for everyone but if you are currently struggling with your anxiety and depression, give it a try. Its 100% natural. It comes in powder or capsule and now this is not an advertisement. I truly started to take this in hopes to kick start ovulation. Little did I know, it would later become my emotional saving grace.
Let me know what you do and how you cope with anxiety and depression. I’d love to hear about it and get as much advice as possible! Let me know if you to have tried or will be trying Maca Root. I got mine from Amazon in the capsule form because the powder taste absolutely horrible.