Feeling of Failure

As the days go by, I feel as though I am one step closer to giving life to a child and one step closer to giving up entirely. If it wasn’t for my husband, I would have done given into my failures a long time ago..

Today is the last day of my first round with Femara. It too, was a failure. Or was it a success? I say a possible success because I do not get my menstrual cycle without Progestin. Today, I got my period not only a week early, but without chemicals. The questions are more raised than ever..

Does this mean that I ovulated for once on my own and it was not fertilized or was it because I didn’t produce large enough eggs? Better yet, does Femara have progesterone in it to cause me to bleed? Or do I not have enough progesterone in me to be able to implant? I suppose I’ll never know the reasonings in any of this.

As I check my temp every morning, test my urine two times a day, monitor when we baby dance and what pills to take and when; I feel consumed. When I get a negative or start my cycle, I feel depression seeping in. The tears overflood my eyes and my heart becomes a rock. The pit in my stomach drives me to starve and the confusion in my head, causes me to shovel food into my face. It becomes your day to day life. When will enough be enough? Have I not done enough? What am I doing wrong? I was able to do this on my one ONCE, was once enough?

When we start to go through these multiple questions, disbeliefs and consistent pain, you only blame yourself. You don’t look at the doctors and think “you’re not doing enough to help me” when in reality, they are. They too have to take one step at a time. They don’t know your body at all. Although, what happens when all you have been doing is praying? Make you even more selfish when you start to judge God in not giving you any answers? 

What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger but, what if all of this is making you weaker…

I’ve asked God to spare my brothers life and take my ability to give life because he deserves the world. He did just that, he is a living breathing example of the power of prayer. I can’t help but think that I have received my answer since he is surviving; its my turn to give up. I have found myself begging him to make me hemorrhage so that I can stop giving myself false hope. “Take it all out God so I can stop pretending that I have a fighting chance of being a mother again.” 

With tears streaming down my face, I think of myself as a very selfish person. Look at all of these other men and woman who literally have no children and have spent THOUSANDS on trying to conceive, with no answers. They didn’t get to have a hysterectomy as an answer from God that its not meant to be but there are millions of children without homes that need you. Instead, they drown in debt and heartache. I should be very grateful for the one I birthed and the three I raise. They are my whole heart and I would never choose having my own over any of them. They consume my whole life, body and soul. I am their mother. But I too, am selfish.

I know I can continue to keep trying, even with unanswered prayers and questions. What I am tiered of hearing is the hopefulness in others who mean no harm. “Keep trying”, “take it easy”, “it’ll happen when you least expect it”, “Just relax, don’t stress about it”. I wish it was that easy. In order for me to even think about having a period, I have to concentrate, remember and write every day down. No one gets it unless you are dealing with the inconsistency of infertility. Think before you speak. You don’t know the pain.

with love, devin.


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