Self-Depreciation

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As each day goes by, we get depleted. Depleted from nutrients in our bodies, energy, sleep, hydration and even our mentality. We get going on our daily routine sometimes feeling full of sleep, but then the commute to work starts and you slowly start to feel a little bit tired; could just be from the drag of rush hour. So, you take a sip of your coffee for relief only for it to spill on your outfit, knowing you didn’t bring anything else with you… There starts the depletion of your mentality. Now you’re getting more irritated while you try to scrub it out of your shirt although, its nearly dried up from your long commute to work. When scrubbing doesn’t work to your advantage, here comes the jokes. These may seem like petty things, but when you’re already upset about how your day started and feeling low about your looks, the low self-esteem kicks in without trying.

How does this play into my role of talking about PCOS? Try having everything that makes you female, turn you into a fat, hairy beast! Some may say, “I would love not having a period!”, but would you if that meant you weren’t able to have children or that you must deal with the hormonal imbalance? Sure, it saves not having to buy feminine products and not having to worry if you’re going to start randomly and ruin your favorite drawers or better yet, no cramping. Although, with PCOS you still have the cramping. Its not the kind of menstrual cramps you think of. It’s that, mixed with a burning sensation. As if someone is taking a lighter and gently moving it across your ovaries. I can only imagine having PCOS and Endometriosis; I’d want a hysterectomy. This shit is depleting.

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome makes me feel less of a woman every single day. From either the hormones, making me feel out of place, to noticing weird things happening to my body. I never noticed the little hairs growing above my lip until my husband started joking with me that I have a mustache… To my surprise, I did! Who in the world at age 27 must shave their face besides a growing man?! I may not make it seem like I’m a walking depression, but I most of the time am.

“Why don’t you just eat fruit instead of candy?” 

“Why don’t you just get off your ass and work off the fat?”

“Why don’t you just get extensions since your hair is falling out?”

To answer those questions… I FUCKING DO! Well not so much extensions by I dye my hair, cut it with many layers to make it seem thicker, curl it and mostly put up in a messy bun. With PCOS I have insulin resistance, (see my previous blog, What Is It Again? for more information) eating a candy bar vs fruit acts the same in my body. The sugars still interact with my hormones the same. The best thing for me to do is cut sugars entirely. This is including artificial sugars. Helps me remove the sugar cravings, sometimes. When it comes to my hormones, I have had my levels checked multiple times and the testosterone and estrogen that my body fights with, isn’t something that a magic pill could just help. Its a fighting battle between what I’m eating and what my ovaries are producing.

How to do tell yourself, “Hey girl, you need help.” when you don’t really listen to yourself in the first place? After realizing my mind and body were effecting not only my home life but my work life as well, I finally took a step back. I sat in the bathroom at my job and watched my phone ring as the school was calling me for the 5th time that week and thought, “What more am I supposed to give before I shatter?”. I answered and I selfishly asked the school to please call the kids’ dad as I am unable to leave work at the moment. (Our daughter got detention again) After, I called my husband notified him the school will be calling him to discus our child’s behavior and that I will be in a meeting. I put my phone in my desk drawer and went to my boss. I would definitely suggest getting a great relationship with your manager, supervisor and boss. I walked into her office and just cracked.

I vented about everything that was overwhelming me at work with the access workload that she had placed on me after I took on an additional position that I wasn’t originally hired to do. I went on to discuss the overload of disrespect from co-workers, patients and outside staff. I just let it all out, I let it all go. After walking out, I went to my closest co-worker that I do everything with everyday and we talked about the possibility of me needing to be on an anxiety medication. I chose to talk this through with my husband.

Driving home I tried to relax before coming home but sometimes that too is impossible. My mother called me to tell me terrible news about my uncle shortly after the passing of my grandmother. This was becoming all too much. I was stressed, scared and most of all depressed. While pulling into my driveway, the only thing I wanted was a huge hug and a glass of wine with a movie. That wasn’t the case either…

When I arrived home I got the endless amounts of “mom’s”. Yes, I get it. I should be grateful that I even was able to be called “mom” in the first place. That’s not the case at all. I am still heartbroken at the fact that I can’t give my husband a child shared between us but sometimes having 4 kids surrounding you regardless if you’ve birthed them or not, can put a toll on you. Then walks in my husband who wants to go on to talk to me about his day, the chaos at his job and what all the kids had done wrong at school, daycare and at home; I burst into tears. I fell to my knees and just cried.

The moral of the story, don’t wait until you have completely fallen apart to realize you needed help. Take a minute to yourself and reflect on what makes you happy. I realized after I had a conversation with my Dr that I haven’t had a full nights rest in weeks. Between making sure the house is clean, homework is done, time was spent with each child and with my husband, waking up early to make sure I have everything ready for the day and babysitting additional little ones everyday, etc… My Dr looked at me and stated, “Every flower needs help to bloom.”. She wasn’t wrong. I can’t bloom if I don’t ask help from the clouds, sun and soil. Don’t get fully depleted, give yourself some light.

 

With love, 
Devin 

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