The day my world as I knew it was about to teach me something I never knew would kill apart of me.
It was August 28th 2019, I woke up to the sound of my alarm ringing, kids playing & dogs panting. As I rubbed my eyes, I checked my temp like any other day, went to write it in my app, just to see that I am on my first scheduled day. Walking to the restroom, I was under the impression that it was just another cycle missed and I’d have to induce my period with Provera. Before taking my first pill, I have to peed on a strip. I let it sit and got my kiddos up for school, came back to get myself ready for the day and while grabbing my bottle of Provera, I looked down and whala… a faint but visible second line. Confused, I just stared at it, examining it under the light. Am I seeing this correctly? Let me take one more… I took my very last strip and with doubt, that little double line crept its way onto the strip.
With such excitement, I rushed to my kids and said “mommy forgot to get cupcakes for school today! Lets get in the car, its okay, keep your slippers on!”. We pilled in the car, drove up to Walmart and we fast paced to the pregnancy tests & cupcakes. After we arrived home, I took a cup and dripped as much as I could out. I dipped the digital and recorded as the results slowly popped up! With my hands shaking, I called my husband. While on the phone I was showing him on video chat the sticks and without thinking, my kids walked in. They asked, “Mom why did you pee in a cup, that’s gross!” Oops… So without thinking, I told them “Your gonna have a baby brother or sister!”. Looking back, I wish I had locked the door. It was way too early but thankfully they are way too young and have since forgotten the situation.
I kissed my babies ‘Good-bye’ as they crawled out of the car and skipped happily into school. Still in denial, I called my mother. When I told her, she said “I am so happy for you, but you need to calm down.” I didn’t understand that reaction at all. Why are you not super excited? You’ve watched me with my struggle for years now? Shouldn’t you be sounding like you have a smile on your face at least? I asked her why her reaction was so bland. She said, “with everything you’ve gone through, I don’t want to see you slip into depression when you have a miscarriage.” I was so pissed off, I hung up on her and left a voicemail for my infertility specialists nurse. Who in the fuck do you think you are to just assume I’m going to miscarry when I have never had a miscarriage before? Well sadly enough, a mothers instincts are correct.
As I arrived to work that morning, I was hurt at my mothers reaction but still loving the butterflies! My amazingly supportive co-work could tell something was off with me, but I was so scared to tell her. I was scared because she too has been dealing with infertility. I looked at her and with tears in my eyes I told her. “please don’t hate me, you mean so much to me that I don’t want this to come between us. I thought I needed to take my Provera today so I took a test and it came back positive.” She grabbed me so fast and we just hugged, crying. I will never forget that moment. A true moment of pain & happiness in one moment.
Moments later my infertility specialist nurse called and requested me to go to the lab for blood work. As I arrived to the lab, he asked me how far along I think that I am. I told the lab technician around 4-5 weeks. He said “Okay, we are checking your levels of HCG and progesterone.” With my first (8 years ago) pregnancy I never did have a lab test. I remember going to my physicians office, peeing in a cup and them coming in with a list of Obstetricians and congratulating me. I had an apt the same week, she felt my stomach and said I seemed to be about 8-9 weeks along and will be scheduled for an ultrasound that following week. I thought this would be the same go around. 6 hours after my test, my world came crashing around me.
As I starting working with such pep in my step, my phone rang. With my heart pounding, I answered. She said, “Good afternoon, I want to first say congratulations.” I said thank you but the sound in her voice wasn’t happy, it was monotone which wasn’t normal for her. She talked with confidence and when something good happens, you can hear it in her voice… This had no emotion. She proceeded to tell me my HCG level was 117.13 which she stated is okay but she would feel more comfortable if it was 300 – 500. My progesterone level was 13.67. She told me anything lower that 15 is worry some. I was confused… I know so much about this journey but wasn’t sure what was going on. I have never had a miscarriage and never knew what the requirements would be for a healthy start in a pregnancy. Confused I asked her what I should do. She said, “I’m going to have you retest in 3 days and it should double. I was confident that it would double. I have a bean in me and I know I can create health baby. I was so confident, I chose to post on social media, we told my in-laws and my best friends! I was ready for this to be over. In my head, it was over, I was finally going to have another baby after 5 years.
I was a little worried going in for my second HCG and progesterone test, I started to feel some cramping but I also remembered that I had that with my oldest because my uterus was growing. I went on with my morning while glancing at my phone. Normally my physicians nurse would call me by noon when I get my tests done in the morning. Worried, I called my original OBGYN, I asked them if there is anything I can do. She just said to wait. By the end of the day, she finally called. She wasn’t happy, I knew I wasn’t doing my job as a woman. I wasn’t helping my baby grow. My results were HCG: 177.23 and progesterone dropped to 9.17. Her voice still radiates through my body. “You’re going to have a miscarriage. I am so sorry but this is not a healthy pregnancy.” I didn’t double in HCG, my progesterone didn’t get higher, its dropping like the last day of my provera. What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? Where is God at right now? Why is this baby not able to be in my arms?
The longest week of my life passed, no blood, no cramps, nothing. I felt nothing. I only wanted spicy noodles. That’s it. Maybe the doctors are wrong. Maybe this is my miracle. I went in for my next HCG testing, got the results after waiting 4 hours. HCG 34. It was in that moment that I went into the deepest depression that I haven’t felt since my friend passed away. I knew then, my journey was over. In the same moment of me hanging up with my specialists nurse, my original OBGYN called me personally. She walked me through the next steps to come, I cried as I listened to her words. Her call helped me and let me know they do care and are sorry but, I didn’t realize that until it was all said and done.
Later that day, I messaged my best friends and told them the news. They showed me a side I have never seen come from them. I don’t blame them but I also can’t forgive the things they had said to me either. Long story short, they told me I was looking for pity by announcing my pregnancy and miscarriage on social media. How? Why should any pregnancy be cast to the side just because we don’t know if it will last to full term? That’s not fair. If I still have to report it as a pregnancy on my health history, then why the fuck can I not tell the world?
TRIGGER WARNING * September 6, 2019, 3 o’clock am. I woke up with intense cramps radiating to my lower back. I turned over and felt wet near my bottom. I instantly burst into tears. I gradually got up and walked into the bathroom. I looked down and my gray pants were deep red. As I urinated i felt a flush of a blood clot leave my body. As tears streamed down my face, I turned around while still sitting down and flushed. I couldn’t look. I didn’t want to. I knew what it was in my heart. I knew what had just happened. I threw my clothes away and went into the shower. Driving to work was a blur. It wasn’t until I walked into work that I lost it. My co-worker looked at me and said. “Oh no” and hugged me. She then went to call my supervisor (manager was on maternity leave) and told her whats going on. Within minutes a replacement was at my desk and I was sent home. To this day I don’t think my co-worker, my closest friend, knows how much she means to me. If it wasn’t for her and my husband, I wouldn’t be able to write this blog.
In-conclusion, I am not sorry this post has taken an entire year, to the date to write. It wasn’t until recently that I am finding me again. My children will always have my whole heart and soul but the rest of me left that day. I will never leave my children’s lives even though I only gave life to one of them. That doesn’t matter to me. Never will matter to me. I am mom, I will always be mom. Even if I never get to give life to another child in this lifetime.
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